Broken Angel

I have not had a chance to write. I have been so caught up in life problems that I forgot the only thing that can keep me sane is writing.

The last couple of months have been like hell. I felt like I was in a dark pit with no where to go , no one to turn and no one could help me. There is not much of a difference presently. Through my moments of darkness and defeat, I would randomly go to the park. Just sit the not feeling sorry for myself but waiting for something to happen. Something that will take me out of this start of depression and remove the pain in my heart . Random strangers would come to me and we will have meaningless conversation or some of them will open up to me and tell me their deepest darkest secrets. Bare in mind that I am still feeling depressed. When I have these conversations with these strangers I would be fully present and forget about my problems and focus and the human that I am talking to. When the conversation is over the human will thank me for having the time to listen and the good advise that I give. For a while that will make me feel happy, like I have a purpose and I matter.

I remember this other day when I was walking to the beach , full of misery. Whilst walking a guy asks me if he can walk with me and I agree. On our walk to the beach he tells me today he wanted to kill him self. I was shocked and I acted cool like I always do. As the conversation progressed he told me that somehow he know that he had to meet me and that I would make him feel better. I asked myself why is God and the universe doing this when inside I am defeated with no strength to carry on.

I continue to meet  strangers on a daily basis. Going to the park or the beach whenever I have time is my favorite thing to do. I still question myself why I meet these people? Is there a meaning behind ? Does any other human out there experience similar situations?

 

[ TO BE CONTINUED….]

 

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Living in the present moment.

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” Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have ” – Eckhart Tolle

Life’s important lesson is to live in the now, the present moment. Enjoy every second , minute or hour ! Sometimes we get distracted by our thoughts and forget that today is a new day and  you are still alive. Learn to appreciate what is around you. LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT!

” The past has no power over the present moment ” – Eckhart Tolle

Living in the present moment requires you to realize that the past has no power over the present moment. We all have past experiences whether it is something that happened yesterday, two weeks ago, a year ago or years ago. That is all in the past: bad experiences might leave scares that might haunt you for years, remember that the past has no power over the present moment. LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT!

Negative thoughts can be something very lethal to us as humans. We can sometimes find ourselves caught up in negative thoughts and the more you think the more you complicate the situation that you are presented with. Next time you find yourself caught up in those negative thoughts, anxiety, stress and worry always ask yourself this question ” What is the worst case scenario?”

Remember you are uncertain of what the future might present to you an you are not defined by your past. You represent the present, be in the now, the present moment. Live your life!

 

 

 

 

Winnie the Pooh is a girl?!

Winnie the Pooh bear has been trending on twitter, ya’ll been saying that Winnie the pooh is a girl. THESE ARE ALL LIES! You cannot just ruin my childhood like that, Winnie the pooh bear has always been a boy. Where is your evidence?NO NO NO, I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT WINNIE THE POOH IS A GIRL.

Let me leave this here if you have any doubts about Winnie the Pooh’s gender here is his bio.

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Now remove all of the nonsense that you have been told and stick to what you have always known.

THE POLICE IN SOUTH AFRICA TODAY

The Constitution of South Africa clearly states that  the South African Police Service (SAPS) has a responsibility to prevent, combat and investigate crime, maintain public order, protect and secure the inhabitants of the Republic and their property, uphold and enforce the law, create a safe and secure environment for all people in South Africa, prevent anything that may threaten the safety or security of any community, investigate any crimes that threaten the safety or security of any community, ensure criminals are brought to justice and participate in efforts to address the causes of crime.

During apartheid some of the most undisputed instances of police brutality were the killings of demonstrators involved in peaceful protests.Do you still remember Marikana? Many striking miners were brutally  killed by the SAPS. How different is the Marikana massacre police brutality from the Sharpeville apartheid police brutality?

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Policemen keep watch over striking miners after they were shot outside Lonmin’s Marikana mine 1 on August 16, 2012.  Picture: Reuters/Siphiwe Sibeko

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The Sharpeville massacre on 21 March, 1960. 

The Majority of the member of the SAPS fail to uphold their responsibilities and have become the enemy of thousands of community members around South Africa. Many members of the community are victims of brutality and humiliation by the “protectors” of that were appointed by the government.

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Majority of the members of SAPS are armed and may lawfully to use their weapon under  circumstances whereby they feel threatened or in defense. But what do our police do ?  They shoot at any person , because they think they have the weapon and will use it whenever they feel underestimated or being disrespected or maybe it depends on their mood.

Allow me to share with you my experience with the police. A  few weeks ago, I was mistreated by four armed police members.While we were walking they approached my partner and I in a very intimidating manner. They searched my partner and they found nothing. They could not search me , because I am a woman; they did however search my bag and found nothing.

I started crying and shaking , because I have hoplophobia. They were pointing their guns at us like we are the mosted wanted criminals in SA. I couldn’t stop crying and shaking. One of them said I am crying because I am hiding something. The guns were still pointing  at us and I feared that if I show them attitude I might never have a chance to blog and see my family and friends ever again, because I know how brutal they can be. I tried to stop crying , but I couldn’t stop shaking. They said that the are taking me to the police station to search me. My partner refused for them to take me. After 101 questions they let us go. I am still traumatised by the experience and that made me question the purpose of the police today. Do I even have rights against them?

 The police in South Africa today, rape, harass,humiliate and kill members of the community  yet they are the ones who are responsible for creating a safe and secure environment for us. .

Sorry I’ve Been A Shitty Friend: A Multiple Choice Form Letter

Wine and Cheese (Doodles)

Dear (fill in name of friend here),

How are you? It’s been way too long, I know. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought of you and then said to myself, I should really (call/write/at least click like on your vacation photos) but I’m sure you know how it goes. No matter how organized I am, it seems like (life/the news/a hangover) is always getting in the way. It’s so true what they say. Time sure does have a habit of flying when you’re (procrastinating/bemoaning the state of humanity/binge watching Better Call Saul), doesn’t it?

Funny thing is, your name came up just the other day. Someone asked me, “Hey, how’s (fill in name of friend here)? (He’s/She’s) got to be almost (ready to move/ready to have a baby/done with school), right? And it…

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A prayer to God

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am no saint 

I have very little faith

I have broken more than half of your commandments

Satan has deceived me without making any amendments

I  have questioned your ways

I have questioned my purpose in life

I have questioned what your will is in my life

 

I am learning how to pray

And develop a relationship with you O’ Lord

Break any generational bondage

Break any doubt and make me whole

Remind me of who I am 

Remind me that my purpose in life will be fulfilled

I am kind towards others 

I love unconditionally

I do not litter

I mean that must make me a good person right God? 

 

In Colossians 3:15,  your word says

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts,

Since as members of one body you were called 

To peace and be thankful. ”

Let the peace of Christ rule my heart oh God

 

In John 3:16 , your word says

“For God so loved the world 

That he gave his one and only son

That whoever believes in him

Shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Show me your everlasting  unconditional love

Make me believe in you oh God

Grant me eternal life

In Isaiah 63:9 , your word says

” In all their distress he too was distressed

And an angel of his presence saved them 

In his love and mercy he redeemed them,

He lifted them up …”

Redeem me from distress 

I am tired of trying

I am tired of trying!

Create in me a new heart

I seek for your divine intervention

In Jesus’ name I pray

Amen

 

 

 

 

#sigh

 

I want to write something but I do not know where to start. I am fustrated , sad and confussed. I wish a miracle would happen and all of my problems would dissappear. My problems is  that I cannot tell anyone my problems. I do not want to be judged! I pray every day and night hoping that things would be better. God seems to be the only friend and only person that I can trust, but he doesn’t reply. Maybe he is waiting for the perfect time and I am running out of time. I need a solution ASAP. Lord knows I am trying here… but life keeps on knocking me down every fucking day. I do not want to ask myself the question why me… but the question has popped up in my mind a couple of times.  They say that certain situations are meant to make you stronger but everyday I feel weaker.

 

Life

This thing called life is not doing it for anymore. Do not get me wrong I am not suicidal I love living , I am just tired of this life thing. Everyday I see as a new opportunity to view things differently, try to be positive. But what does life do ? It FUCKS me so hard that I regret even trying to do things. Every glorious day I  have a mantra ” Today is my day,  today will be better,I will be completely happy, I will accomplish my daily goals and TODAY IS A GOOD DAY. ” You do see that I am trying to be positive, right?

My mornings are usually drama free, but once it becomes the afternoon everything changes.  People try to provoke me, challenges arises then from there it is just drama after drama after drama!!! I am used to it now ; every time a situation arises I just take a deep breath and try by all means to avoid the drama. But I just cannot seem to avoid it! Its like if my life is drama free I feel that something is wrong. I know that no one is perfect and we all have challenges we face but this life thing is just too much!! I  seriously need a break from you life and your challenges.

I wish life had a manual book that I look at whenever I face a certain situation. Maybe chapter 2 page 25 the heading will be How to avoid ……….. then there will be steps that will lead you to a solution suitable for your current situation. I seriously need that book!!

 

CONQUERED…

 

Let me make it clear before you read this I AM NOT A POET. I write poems for fun and to release my emotions at that specific moment. I wrote this back in 2011 after I felt betrayed by a friend, instead of confronting her I wrote this poem. Since I have a blog I might as well share it. Enjoy!

CONQUERED…
 So much pain inside me,
So much hatred and rage.
Many things are uncertain
You have back stabbed me
My wounds shall never
Be healed nor forgotten
You tortured me sweetly.
My heart shall never be mended
You betrayed the only trust
I ever had for you.
You called yourself my friend,
But all you were was a
Two faced bitch!
Like a jackal you hid
Your evil deeds.
Your reward was my trust.
Like Lucifer you wanted my soul.
Your obsession urged you to control my life.
You craved for my blood.
You wanted my whole life.
The sight of you now
Only gives me sorrow
I dread to come near you,
for now I know who
you really are.
My confidence is catalyzed.
My ability to forgive
Has been renewed.
I am no more,
Who I was.
You shall never conquer me!!

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